


Reckless Heartbreak

by Glowstick18



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/M, Post Manhattan Transfer/Unholiest Alliance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:01:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23507314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Glowstick18/pseuds/Glowstick18
Summary: Watched these episodes again recently during pandemic boredom and it made me think of how a lot of fics handled this Benson and Barba fight. Many people write Liv's anger to be justified and that Barba should be ashamed and sorry for reporting to 1pp. Like any show fight I think they both handled things poorly but I just wanted to write a fic where Barba's feelings get a little more attention. First fic ever so sorry if it sucks.
Relationships: Barson - Relationship, Rafael Barba & Olivia Benson, Rafael Barba/Olivia Benson
Comments: 9
Kudos: 68





	Reckless Heartbreak

Olivia walked quickly away from the bar. Her boots slapped against the cement, slick from fresh rain. This was a crappy week and somehow this night made it even worse.

_“I thought we could take it easy tonight.”_ As if she were some fucking lush stumbling her way around the bar. Olivia tried to take it in stride and put a smile on. She tried to have a good night with Tucker after all the bullshit they went through with this case. Him almost losing his job and her almost losing SVU. The memory of it still made her stomach drop.

Olivia wanted to celebrate their win and have fun with her boyfriend, but Tucker’s implication that she had a drinking problem really put a bad taste in her mouth. He knew about her mother. To Olivia this completely felt like him holding her mother’s past over her head. She was pissed and didn’t know how to tell him. Tucker often got defensive and Olivia always felt like she was walking on eggshells to avoid bruising his ego. Suppressing her own feelings to manage his. It irked her.

She and Tucker spent another 30 minutes of uncomfortable and painfully boring conversation until Olivia finally said she had to get home to Noah.

It was a lie. She intentionally asked Lucy to take Noah for the night thinking her and Tucker could use a break and some time together. _So much for that_.

So here she was, walking without purpose, not wanting to sit at home alone. Maybe Tucker is just being overly sensitive after almost losing his job. Maybe he just feels like they have to prove something after coming so close tarnished their reputations. _Why am I making excuses for him?_

Olivia shook her head and immediately avoided that train of thought. She was tired, emotional and wired. She did not want to reflect on _that_ right now.

She kept stomping along thinking about the case and how much havoc it wreaked on her life over the last couple of weeks. Chief Dodds being pissed at her, judges, cops, council members and more taken down by the scandal and then there was her fight with Barba.

This whole case would have been less of a shit show if Barba just kept his mouth shut. Olivia could have continued her investigation and she never would have been pushed out of SVU. Hell maybe the nun would be alive. _But no he just had to tattle to 1PP_. After all these years of working together, you would think Barba would have her back.

Olivia felt energized focusing her frustration on Barba. She decided to chase that feeling and take the fight to him. It was late so she knew he wouldn’t still be at work. Her purposeless walk suddenly had purpose as she headed to straight for Barba’s apartment.

Rafael poured himself a generous measure. He felt like shit, and maybe this would help him feel a little less.

This week had been the worst in a while, and not just because the Catholic Church, cops and courts were working together to abuse young girls. Things were a disaster between him and Liv. He wanted to think he was angry at her unprofessional behavior, but he knew he was mostly just hurting.

Rafael stared into his mostly empty fridge feeling despondent. He hadn’t eaten today and there wasn’t much here he could cook. He could order in, but was he even hungry? Annoyed with himself, Rafael shut the fridge harder than necessary and made his way over to the couch. He flopped down and started to mindlessly search Netflix for something to watch.

Suddenly his home phone rang. Frowning, he got up to answer it. Only two people called that number, his mother and the doorman. He really wasn’t in the mood to talk to his mom, but he had been busy and canceled on her earlier in the week so he answered.

“Hello”

“Hey Rafael sorry to bug you so late” To Rafael’s surprise it was Jerome his doorman. Rafael smiled because it took ages to convince Jerome to talk to him like a person and not like Jerome was his butler. He loved the safety of a doorman due to the nature of his work and the threats he got, but he hated feeling like a pompous snob being waited on.

“No problem what’s up?”

“There is a Ms. Olivia Benson looking to be let up to your place.”

Rafael’s heart immediately sped up and his mouth went dry. What is Liv doing here? _Probably here to bite my head off._ Or maybe something went wrong. He thought he had an understanding with the powers at be that Olivia was to get her job back once he proved Tucker had no involvement. No matter how dumb Olivia was to hide her relationship during a case, Rafael hated the idea of being responsible for Liv leaving SVU.

A few too many seconds had passed so he quickly told Jerome to send her up.

He took a big swig from his scotch trying to settle his nerves. Whatever he was feeling he didn’t need Liv to see that, it would just add to the humiliation he was already feeling. Then with a groan he realized he was in nothing but a t-shirt and plaid pajama bottoms. Hard to feel calm and in control when he looks like he just rolled out of bed. _Oh well, no time to change now_.

Rafael was refilling his scotch in preparation for what was to come, when there was a loud knock on his door. He sighed and put the cap back on the scotch and walked over to his door. _Here we go_.

“Lieutenant—“ Rafael started as he opened the door, but Liv pushed passed him without waiting and ignored his greeting. “Come on in make yourself at home” Rafael finished sarcastically. He was right she was pissed.

“You couldn’t just keep your mouth shut Barba, huh? You had to go mess everything up for no reason!” Olivia almost shouted as she walked past Rafael further into his apartment.

Rafael laughed without humor. “Yes that’s right I was the one that jeopardized a case putting my personal affairs ahead of my job” he replied calmly. _Do not lose your cool_.

Liv turned on him ready to get in his face but she pulled up short. She hadn’t noticed when she walked in that Rafael was essentially ready for bed, barefoot and in PJs. She had never seen him so casual and it made him look softer more vulnerable. Even if his posture and face were just as hard and guarded as ever. The dichotomy almost made her laugh.

“I—I knew he had nothing to do with it! If you had just listened to me, hell if you had just fucking trusted me so much bull shit could have been avoided!” As she yelled at him Rafael’s calm slipped away; his expression changing eventually landing on anger.

“If I had trusted you?! You have got to be kidding me!” Rafael barked out a laugh of anger and frustration. Taking a deep breath to calm himself before he continued. “If you had bothered to tell 1PP or even me that you had been in a relationship then this never would have been a problem. But no you kept your secrets and now you are blaming me for doing my job when you failed to do yours.”

Olivia was pissed “I didn’t fail to do anything! My personal life is no one else’s business! It has nothing to do with my ability to DO MY JOB!”

“Oh so when you immediately started defending Tucker instead of investigating claims against him, that had nothing to do with your personal relationship? That wasn’t you choosing your relationship over your job?” Rafael shot back with venom. He was in prosecutor mode, calm, sharp, and unforgiving.

Olivia felt herself flush a little with embarrassment. There was truth to his words. She never seriously considered that Tucker might have something to hide. Even though at the time Barba pointed out that he had a history of going after her and others in pretty cruel and unfair ways. Her and Tucker haven’t even been that serious so there could be whole parts of his life that she knew nothing about. Olivia was still angry though. “Oh please! Besides if you were worried about that you couldn’t just talk to me about it? You had to go to 1PP? I thought we were closer than that! I thought we were friends!”

It was too much. Rafael was really upset now. His calm demeanor evaporated. “You thought we were friends!?! I thought we were friends! Hell we go out together all the time after cases, we talk about everything, and you didn’t think to mention you were sleeping with someone!?! But I am the one who wasn’t trusting, sure that makes sense!”

Olivia was shocked by his anger and the hurt that she could now see in his eyes. It was clear he was trying to hide it but he was so upset she could see it. She also felt her anger fading quickly. This is not what she came here for. “I—“

“Hell we flirted Liv!” Rafael interrupted his voice cracking a little. He felt his face flush with the humiliation he felt at finding out she was dating someone. He hated himself for how upset he was getting. “We were going out sharing personal stories and flirting, you had me thinking that maybe—“ He stopped himself. She got it, he didn’t need to continue to whine pathetically about his broken heart. He took a deep breath and continued again back under the mask of a prosecutor “It doesn’t matter now. Look we got the bad guys and you got your job back, correct?”

“Yes. Rafael I—“ Olivia tried not really knowing what she was going to say.

Rafael held up his hand “Then everything’s fine. I know where I stand with you now, and you know where I stand with professionalism on the job. There isn’t anything left. So if you don’t mind I am going to bed now. I will see you at work.” He finished walking over to the door and opening it for her.

Liv moved numbly to do the door not sure what to say or do. She paused after she crossed the threshold out into the hall, looking at him trying to think of something to say. He spoke without looking at her “Goodnight, get home safe.” Then he closed the door.

Olivia made her way out of his apartment building in a haze. She just kept playing it over and over in her head _“We flirted Liv! You had me thinking...”_

As she got back to the street she could feel a lump of emotion forming in her throat and tears burning behind her eyes. Her breathing was unsteady and she could feel the shame threatening to swallow her.

_He was right_. She felt sick. They had been going out after work and staying out for hours together. Sometimes he would confide something personal with her about his childhood or his early days as an ADA. Other times it would be Olivia confiding in him about her insecurities about being a single mom or her struggles with the job. Both of them comforting each other often ending the night with a long hug.

Some nights it would just be fun stories, laughter and yes flirting. Not just silly flirting but real flirting. If Liv was being honest with herself she knew that Rafael was interested in her, and she was also interested in him. But they worked together and neither of them had made a real move to cross that boundary.

So when Tucker started asking her out she went along with it. He wasn’t a conflict of interest, and it was easy, without any stakes. She could hide things from and manipulate Tucker because he just didn’t know her so well or pay as close attention.

Like earlier, if Liv tried to hide that she was angry with Rafael he would have seen it and confronted her about it; Tucker didn’t see it. Of course if it were Rafael he never would have suggested she had a drinking problem like that.

Liv knew she hid her relationship with Tucker from Rafael on purpose. She knew there were feelings there and selfishly she thought what he didn’t know couldn’t hurt him. Maybe she could have this comfort with Tucker and keep the possibility of Rafael on the table for the future. It was unfair and cowardly.

_And now I have ruined it_. Olivia let out a sob at the thought and realized she had been crying most of the walk home. _“I know where I stand with you now...there is nothing left.”_ She was so focused on her own anger over the threat to her job and her frustrations with Tucker that she didn’t even see what had happened to her relationship with her best friend. That’s how shitty of a friend she was, she didn’t even pay attention to how she was breaking his heart.

Things mostly went back to normal. Rafael was still professional and as hardworking for the team as he had ever been. He and Olivia continued to take down the bad guys.

Things were also different though.

Rafael stopped asking Olivia to go out for drinks or dinner. He kept his distance. They stopped having personal conversations like they used to. Rafael stopped touching the small of her back as they walked together or sharing looks with her when the team was going over cases. The relationship between them was professional, friendly but decidedly less close.

Olivia accepted this as punishment. She was careless with Rafael and now she was on the outside. Sometimes she would get mad at him. In her head she would accuse him of only being her friend when there was the possibility of sleeping together. She would quickly abandon that thought because the evidence didn’t bear out. Rafael still asked her about her day, praised her hard work on cases, he would ask about Noah and joke about Carisi. Rafael hadn’t abandoned their friendship; he just put up boundaries to protect his heart. It was fair but it broke Olivia’s heart.

Olivia stayed with Tucker for a long time. His annoying behaviors didn’t seem as annoying to Olivia when she considered how unfair she had been to both him and Rafael. Generally he was a good guy. Things were quiet and simple, and maybe a bit boring. Work was distracting and stressful so the quiet worked fine.

Eventually though Tucker wanted boring and quiet with her all the time. He wanted to retire and he wanted Olivia to retire with him. Liv couldn’t do it. She began feeling restless and weighed down with Tucker. So she ended things. It was sad, break ups always are, but Tucker, that relationship, wasn’t what Olivia wanted. She always kind of knew that but now she was ready to fully acknowledge it.

Olivia told Rafael about the break up about a month after it happened. He asked if she was okay and she said yes. He told her to let him know if she needed to talk and she smiled.

Things went on and Rafael and Olivia joked a bit more. They bumped shoulders as they walked. Sometimes Rafael would pick her up a coffee on the way to meeting with her and sometimes Liv would pick him up a coffee on her way to meeting him. Things were really going back to normal.

One day after a tough case Liv was packing up in her office when she heard a knock on her doorframe. She looked up to see Rafael standing there, coat on, briefcase in hand, ready to head out.

“Hey, how are you doing after all that?” He asked a little nervously, his face full of concern. It was another case where the victim was grappling with whether or not to keep her pregnancy after being raped. Rafael knew how much Liv struggled with those cases.

“Oh you know, it is what it is,” she said with a sad smile and a shrug of her shoulders. He could see she was feeling miserable. Lately he would crack a joke to get a quick smile tell her to let him know if she wanted to talk, and then would bid her goodnight. That was the new normal after Tucker.

But tonight was different. Instead he looked at her for a long moment. She paused what she was doing and looked up at him when he hadn’t said anything else.

“Rafael?”

He shook his head to snap out of it and said “yeah, I know.” He looked a little sad himself but was mostly nervous. “Do you maybe want to get dinner together? We could talk, or not talk, whatever.” He was rambling a bit.

Olivia could feel her heart beat speeding up. This was happening. He was opening up that possibility of them again. She could tell by his nervous tone and the fact that they had gotten so chummy again lately. She was thrilled and scared as hell. She did not want to fuck this up.

“Yes I would love to” she grinned at him.

Rafael felt himself relax a little and gave her a big smile back. They just stood there smiling at each other like idiots for a couple of seconds until he realized he should speak again “Uh when will you be done here? Do you have time tonight or do you need to get home to Noah?”

Still grinning like an idiot, not being able to stop herself “I am done now. And no, Noah is having a sleepover at a friends tonight so I have time.”

“Wow a sleepover! Did you background check the kid’s parents?” Rafael teased.

“I background checked the entire family and known associates” Liv dead panned.

They both laughed. She grabbed her bag and walked towards him. He held out his arm for her and she linked with him. Finally things felt right again.


End file.
